Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I wish I was Peter Pan

Oops, sorry about yesterday's rant. I just had to get it out. Dr Smooth had really upset me - think he caught me on a bad day. I just felt like crap. I've being feeling the need to vent for a while, and I love reading other people's blogs, so I decided to put it together and take the plunge. I'm been thinking about it for a while, and even did one post in the summer, but I'm just gonna go for it now.

However, this blog is not for the eyes of anyone who actually knows me. This is for self-gratification. I don't want my friends and family to read it - cos then I couldn't write from me, I would write what I thought they wanted to read...

Um, guess I ought to put a brief introduction to me. My name is not something I'm prepared to divulge, but Anna will do for now, so call me that. That sounds worse than I meant it too! I actually really like the name Anna, and I think it will do very well for a alter ego.

Right now, I'm a third year medical student at the University of Birmingham, and I'm on placement at a large inner city hospital. I live in Birmingham with two very good friends from halls in the first year. I was born and brought up in Sussex, and my rents and little sister still live there. My little bro is in his first year at Stafford Uni doing a techie music degree (he's clearly a basket weaver).

That's the main stuff, I'll explain the rest as I go.

The most significant event of today was that I found out that my Dad is getting £5000 for a holiday from the outgoing directors of his company. And my Dad was ringing to check if any of my holidays match up to the times when normal people (like my brother and sister...ish) are on holiday so that we can go on a fabulous holiday as a family. I haven't been on a family holiday since 2002, when we all went to Devon. It was interesting... and I'm glad that I haven't been on one since. However, I think since that last holiday we've all grown up a bit - especially my brother - and I kind of feel like I would like one last family holiday before I properly grow up and join the real world. You know, get a job and mortgage and stuff.

But my holidays (stupid medical degree) are all wrong, and
it looks as though I'm gonna have to stay here in Brum working while they go on a fabulous holiday. Like a proper grown up.

I don't want to be a grown up. There's so much responsibility and you have to be happy for other people when all you want to do is shout and scream and stamp your feet. It's not fair. I want to go on holiday. They're thinking about New Zealand...it's soooooo not fair!

Well, life isn't fair. And I suppose that I should remember the patient who I saw today. A lovely man, with an Staph aureus abscess in his neck that's slowly growing. Its invading the bones and compressing his spinal cord, despite huge antibiotic doses. Soon it will paralyse him, and then it will kill him. And he doesn't know yet... No-one has told him that this abscess will kill him. No-one has told him he isn't going home anytime soon. He's desperate to go home to his wife, and is sure that if he puts the effort in he'll get better. Sadly, he will probably only go home to die.

Thats why I don't want to get old. Because I am afraid of dying. I am afraid to leave behind the people I love, and I don't want to miss anything. Once I am a grown up, its a down hill slope. From here on in, everyday is a step closer to the end. That's why I don't think Peter Pan would have said 'to die would be an awfully big adventure'. He was a boy afraid to live - imagine how scared he would be to die!

I guess the only thing for me to do is to grasp life with both hands. To enjoy every minute, to always know that it could be taken at any time, but that it is mine and mine alone while I am here. Dying scares me, but not living scares me more.

Compared to that, not going on holiday is a small thing.

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