Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Everything's rubbish

Rubbish is my current favourite phrase to describe anything that is unsatisfactory in any way.

As in ‘I am feeling quite rubbish today’ when one is feeling unwell. Or ‘My dear, that is rubbish’ on hearing of a friend’s misfortune. ‘Rubbish weather we’re having’ when outside is grey and drizzly, somewhat like today. And one hundred and one other uses. Damn useful word in fact, is rubbish.

But most of all it sums up how I am currently felling about my self. Rubbish. I am feeling as though I am never quite good enough, in any sense. Never quite good enough at examining patients, at asking the right questions in the history, and saying the right thing in teaching, at putting it all together and understanding why. And I feel rubbish in other areas of my life – as a singer, a friend, a woman.

I had a great time on Saturday night, at Medball. Medball is a night of dinner, dancing and drunkenness, when 1800 future doctors gather in a very large venue (the ICC) and have a ball (wrote that before I realised what a rubbish pun it was. And once I did realise, of course it had to stay!).

The food was lovely, the music sporadically good, the company the absolute best, and I had a great time.

(Jenna, one of my best mates, got very drunk and needed help holding her dress up to tackle stairs, and to pull her knickers up after peeing…)

But I felt inadequate.

I felt rubbish.

And in some ways I think I always have done. I always think that someone else is better – maybe because they are. I know I have some good qualities, but I think I am too aware of my faults. I wouldn’t say I have low self-esteem – perhaps it is just that I don’t know myself yet. I don’t know who I am so I don’t know how to be that person.

Look at all the ridiculous psych-babble. I’m going to be getting all new-age on myself in a minute. I should stop analysing and just get on with it! That’s why I feel inadequate. Because I am always outside of myself, looking. Never just being in the moment. I need to stop being so pretentious and just get on with life.

I need to just be myself. After all, if I’m not myself, then how will I find out who myself is?

Argh. Do you ever feel your thoughts are going round and round in circles?