Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Uncertainty

Medicine is inherently uncertain.

The very nature of health and the human body make medicine, at best, an imprecise science, a science of educated guesses. Clinical diagnosis may seem rock solid to the patient, but the doctor can never be 100% sure.

I am never sure. I am never sure of my knowledge, of my skills, of my decisions. I know there is still so much to learn, and I am terrified that in two years time I will be about to begin my first job as a doctor.

I am even more terrified that I will be found wanting within those two years, and be sent down. I sometimes wish more than anything that I had chosen another career path, and yet I would not give this one up for the world. I am both longing for the nerve to leave, and find out what else I could do, and desperate to do my utmost, to win this fight and get through.

I am uncertain, which seems fitting.

For the moment, the medic in me is winning. I have almost regained my former passion. It is a hard won gain, and I fear the slightest knock could break it down.

But for now I am concentrating on being enough, because I want to be, not because I feel I ought to be.

PS Apologies for yesterday’s outburst. I have developed a crush on one of the guys I’m on placement with (stupid stupid stupid), and was just letting off a bit of steam. Alcohol is so good at loosening my tongue. Or fingers. Thoughts? Oh, whatever.

2 comments:

Marysienka said...

There's this man, an engineer (in his 40s), who was with me in clinic his Winter, who asked the prof "but you're never sure in medicine?!". Eh welcome to the medical world...
Its kinda freaking at times, but as we get older and better and actually *know* what we do, it won't be as stressful, I think (well, it'll be another kind of stress).
There's a new pathologist at the hospital (she started 4 weeks ago) who told us that she didnt want to work alone in a hospital because when you're just out of your residency, you can't do that! You have to ask things to other doctors. It's natural. Anyway, I know that's pretty rational, and that reality isn't just as easy ;) But I'm trying to convince myself here!

Medicine is cool, right? ;)

Marysienka said...

There's this man, an engineer (in his 40s), who was with me in clinic his Winter, who asked the prof "but you're never sure in medicine?!". Eh welcome to the medical world...
Its kinda freaking at times, but as we get older and better and actually *know* what we do, it won't be as stressful, I think (well, it'll be another kind of stress).
There's a new pathologist at the hospital (she started 4 weeks ago) who told us that she didnt want to work alone in a hospital because when you're just out of your residency, you can't do that! You have to ask things to other doctors. It's natural. Anyway, I know that's pretty rational, and that reality isn't just as easy ;) But I'm trying to convince myself here!

Medicine is cool, right? ;)