Thursday, July 06, 2006

Unhappy in my skin

I am feeling a little bruised of confidence at the moment. I am not happy in my own skin right now, which is a very unsettling feeling. To be fair, I think it is extremely rare to be happy in your own skin all the time. Maybe that’s a little extreme. Maybe its moreture that it is rare to be constantly proud or pleased at your self-image all the time, but to be content with yourself can be a constant.

I am not content with my self, nor am I happy with my self-image.

I have resisted blogging about this for a long time. It’s a subject painfully close the centre of my being. I am deeply unconfident about the person I am. I worry that people won’t like me, that I have upset someone.

Thankfully I have a naturally buoyant personality. I am friendly and sunny and consistently cheerful. I do have a certain amount of confidence in my own intelligence and my own talents. So I am usually able to keep the lack of confidence about the way I look (which is what it boils down to) well hidden. But it is always there.

I genuinely do not think I am remotely attractive. I can sometimes fool myself, if I wear eyeliner and heels and curled hair. But mostly I just plough through life hating myself and my body and cursing all the other prettier girls.

There, I said it (note how far down the post it took me). I can’t say it again, but it’s there. And it weighs me down. Take this guy I have a crush on. We get on very well, we laugh and joke together, but I know that he does not find me attractive, because I am not. So therefore, I won’t do anything about the crush. I will be friendly and have fun, but I won’t ever flirt, because he would not reciprocate. And that would be crushing.

I think if I was more confident about myself, I would be more open to doing something with the damn crush. Confidence allows you to take risks, because you have a safe place to stand. I don’t. If I’m knocked back, then whatever final vestiges of confidence I am holding onto will be lost forever, and I’ll crawl into a dark corner and never emerge again.

I usually counter my lack of personal confidence with a good strong dose of confidence in my intelligence. But even that is taking a battering right now, which is not helping. Not helping at all. Medicine is threatening my safe refuge by asking more of me than I have.

And finally, its all compounded by the fact that my god damn housemates are all so god damned loved up, and I feel lonely. I want someone to love me. But right now I just don’t see it happening. Because who could love me?

So now you know. This is my deep dark secret. Sunny, happy Anna can’t stand herself.

No comments: