I’ve been so busy this week! This is my first and only night in, which was house meal, so’s been pretty unproductive. But good fun – house meal always takes at least two hours, because we always have two courses and lots and lots of talking. It’s great to have scheduled time together each week. Tonight Sally made a vegetable chilli-esque dish with mashed potato topping, sprinkled with cheese. My, it was goooooood. And the chocolate mousse pudding was amazing. Rich, velvety smooth, and very very chocolately.
On a more serious note, I’m still troubled by the future. I am still unsure whether this is the right thing for me. I oscillate between ‘I can’t’, ‘I won’t’ and ‘I will, goddammit’. Some of the time I feel this is the right thing for me, that medicine is my vocation, and it fits me, and I it. Sometimes I feel I will never be enough, and I think the fear is manifesting as I don’t want to continue in medicine. I don’t want to fail, and I am so scared of failing that I almost would rather leave. But the stubborn core of me says no, you can do this, and you will do this. I am trying to hear the core, and ignore the bleatings of the rest of my mind.
Although hearing about the MMC (modernising medical careers) plans from a BMA speaker this week was very distressing. It seems that training schemes in this country are in a crisis because the Government is pushing through a new system that is not ready and does not seem feasible. I feel I am being asked to give even more of myself to medicine than I could have ever envisaged before I began. When I decided I wanted to do medicine, I wanted to eventually become GP and work part-time, firstly so I could have children, but also so I could paint and sing. I have never wanted to be only a medic. Now I am frightened that the bit of me that is creative – that sings, paints and writes – is being lost.
Which is why I sat in front of Grey’s Anatomy tonight with a pad of paper and my colour pencils!
Currently listening to: Razorlight’s self titled second album. It’s rocky, tuneful, and great to dance along to while singing at the top of your voice.
PS I’ve updated the links - go check em out!