Thursday, October 19, 2006

Busy but losing myself

I’ve been so busy this week! This is my first and only night in, which was house meal, so’s been pretty unproductive. But good fun – house meal always takes at least two hours, because we always have two courses and lots and lots of talking. It’s great to have scheduled time together each week. Tonight Sally made a vegetable chilli-esque dish with mashed potato topping, sprinkled with cheese. My, it was goooooood. And the chocolate mousse pudding was amazing. Rich, velvety smooth, and very very chocolately.

On a more serious note, I’m still troubled by the future. I am still unsure whether this is the right thing for me. I oscillate between ‘I can’t’, ‘I won’t’ and ‘I will, goddammit’. Some of the time I feel this is the right thing for me, that medicine is my vocation, and it fits me, and I it. Sometimes I feel I will never be enough, and I think the fear is manifesting as I don’t want to continue in medicine. I don’t want to fail, and I am so scared of failing that I almost would rather leave. But the stubborn core of me says no, you can do this, and you will do this. I am trying to hear the core, and ignore the bleatings of the rest of my mind.

Although hearing about the MMC (modernising medical careers) plans from a BMA speaker this week was very distressing. It seems that training schemes in this country are in a crisis because the Government is pushing through a new system that is not ready and does not seem feasible. I feel I am being asked to give even more of myself to medicine than I could have ever envisaged before I began. When I decided I wanted to do medicine, I wanted to eventually become GP and work part-time, firstly so I could have children, but also so I could paint and sing. I have never wanted to be only a medic. Now I am frightened that the bit of me that is creative – that sings, paints and writes – is being lost.

Which is why I sat in front of Grey’s Anatomy tonight with a pad of paper and my colour pencils!

Currently listening to: Razorlight’s self titled second album. It’s rocky, tuneful, and great to dance along to while singing at the top of your voice.

PS I’ve updated the links - go check em out!


Anonymous said...

A relative of mine quit medicine after finishing medschool. She worked in a lab for a couple of years... then decided that she had made a mistake, and headed off to residency.

All she needed was a short break from the rat race to remember what she liked about meds....

garbage said...

I'm in the first group (other than the guys who do the five year course at two of the med universities) to do the two year internship in South Africa.

I'm also frustrated that I have two years of a national curriculum to through, which will include working in field which I intensely dislike.

However, that's two years you don't have much academic pressure.
The intern we are working with at the moment was quite proud to admit that he hasn't opened a textbook in ten months. He says it makes a big difference, that it's the main reason why he's the only one in the firm not on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

We are also a bit worried about the planning and implementation of the two year program. I don't think it will be such a great bother for us, but for the guys graduating after us, they are going to be in a mess, I think. Instead of interns leaving after a year and freeing up posts, we are going to be sticking around for another year; so where are the guys after us going to work?

Look on the bright side, though, it's two years of GUARANTEED employment. Which other vocation gives you GUARANTEED employment? Besides, in the UK you only work 54 hours a week or something ridiculous like that.

It's difficult to decide whether to stay in or out of medicine. I regret not having dropped out earlier. It's too late now, so I have to deal with it for a little while longer.

Anna said...

We have two foundation years after finishing med school. They sound like yours - working in all areas, guaranteed employment, except that its not guaranteed anymore.

With the new training scheme, the whole thing has become a riduclous lottery, where you ranks schools, then jobs with your assigned school. There are no interviews, which sounds great but means that it truly is down to luck where you end up.

I am seriously considering jacking it in after those two years. I'm sticking it out til then, but after that? Who knows... I thought I had a life plan, but now I see its fast disappearing. And I'm all of a sudden glad to see it go.

peace said...

I thought all medics questioned their choice of studying medicine frequently! I understand you are a doctor now. Glad you continued your path:)