Ah, Friday night.
My brother and cousin came up to Brum. Always an absolute riot, mainly because the three of us get on like a house on fire. Quite literally at times…
We went out for a curry (the boy needs his authentic Brummie curry), then to the pub and finally to Snobs,
My housemate Mirabelle came too. And Tom. Ah yes, Tom.
Last night he came out to the club to be with me. There was no.other.reason. He doesn’t know Mirabelle or my brother and cousin, and none of his friends were going. While on the dance floor, there was very much close dancing, much drifting of hands to touch and hold close. He came back to our house after, for tea and biscuits and chat. We live a good twenty minutes walk from him, its not just popping next door.
As he left, we had a stilted awkward conversation. About how I would like us to be more then friends. And how he is still hung up on the Other Girl. I dislike this other girl intensely. They went out for 3 months during third year. She then ended it, because she is Muslim, and ‘can’t’ have a white boyfriend. Her family never knew of his existence. She sort of broke his heart a bit, and now is still stringing him along. Its not fair on either of them. Every time we talk about such things, he brings her up and says ‘I’m stopping it, because it’s pointless.’ They are not seeing each other, but still speaking, and he is still hoping. Personally I think it’s a waste of his time. If she won’t acknowledge him to her family, how can that be a real relationship? She is trying to have her cake and bloody eat it. He needs to walk away for his own good, and to an extent her own good.
Anyway, that’s how the damn thing now stands. I went out there and I told him how I feel, leaving myself without a leg to stand on. I didn’t make a fuss, I didn’t throw myself at him. But last night made me see how easily we could fit together.
Last night I was sad. Sad and lonely. Mirabelle hugged me, and listened to me, and was and is the best friend I have ever had. Again. What would I do without her?
Today I am still sad but also pissed off. I hate that he can lead me on. In a way, he is bringing just as bloody minded as the Other Girl. In the last few weeks I have seen a lot of him, and been texting and messengering. And then he comes out last night and bloody flirts. Flirts! And hugs and touches. And he is neither flirty nor touchy feely.
I hate that anyone can influence the way I feel so much, without knowing. Except that now he does. And I have this awful feeling it will taint our friendship in the future, and what is was in the past.
And most of all, above everything, I hate that I feel it is all my fault. It is my fault for not being enough.