Sunday, January 28, 2007

DISASTER!

Mirabelle has fractured the base of her right 5th metatarsal. Which is shit. Utterly. She slipped down her stairs on Friday night – this is pre-punch-drinking – and bust it. However, being the amazingly strong and stoical person she is, she managed on Friday night (Sylvia’s birthday – picture was finished and muchly appreciated thank goodness!) and only decided to go to A&E on Saturday morning, where it was proclaimed broken. Rubbish.

So at this moment I am in her room, because I am on the ground floor with an ensuite complete with bath. She is in the attic up said scary stairs, so I am up here. It’s weird and I don’t like it. I am sure it feels the same for her, worse probably, because she is immobile (alright, so only relative to her previous mobility) but I really want to be in my own room, with my things. I am weird like that.

But I am tired right now, and have a fracture clinic appointment to attend tomorrow t 9am. So I am off to bed!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Still a crazy week… Sometimes I wish I had Bernard’s watch, and could stop time until I had done all the things I wanted to – work, sleep, exercise, more sleep. But unfortunately life is not as simpleas children’s TV would have us believe, and even if I did actually have Bernard’s watch, I am quite sure people would soon notice. You’d have to be very careful how you used it. Maybe just for sleep – you could pretend to be one of those people who only need 4 hours sleep a night, but actually be getting 8 or 9. Hey…maybe there are no people who onlyneed 4 hours sleep… maybe they all have Bernard’s watch.

Anyway, I am currently still enjoying cardiology, which is fairly surprising. I am also enjoying a rather full social life, which is unsurprising, as I am the Life and Soul. Of anything and everything!

Currently reading: Cold Mountain, by Charles Frazier. Yeah, I know, took me long enough, but now I’m really enjoying it.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Green

O I've been soooo busy! I had a lovely week of much socialising... and painting! So here is the work in progress that's occupied much of my week (it will be a birthday present for Sylvia - her comission was 'green please'):



Quotes of the day:
'It makes me want to hurt myself'
(Hana, girl who gives me a lift, on listening to Daniel Bedingfield whinge on about the lost love of his life on radio. We were all sitting and listening quietly when she announced it.)

'Take any other drug except cocaine'
'Any drug doc?'
'Yeah, just not cocaine'
(Consultant cardiologist's advice to 21 year old patient in clinic)

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Happy Birthday

This blog is a year old. For one entire calendar year, I have been using this space to dump my thoughts, feelings and ramblings.

And I really like having somewhere to do just that. I’d hate to leave my rubbish lying around just anywhere… here it is safe, anonymous and instantly accessible. As a kid, I kept various diaries, but despite enjoying writing them, and having them to look back on, I was terrible at keeping up with them. The diary I kept (sporadically) in the first three years of medicine is probably the longest I’ve ever had.

But this is more than just a diary. Yes, I write about the way I am feeling and what I am thinking, but it also allows me to communicate with people from across the world. And to share the funnies, the photos, and generally do so many more things than is possible with pen and paper!

So what has this year of blogging brought me?

Well, this was the year of my first OSCEs. I passed 2 of ‘em, both terrifying, but maybe showing that I am going to be ok. I’m made lots of new friends, which may seem like a dumb thing to have achieved, but two of my closest friends, girls I’d lived with for 3 years, moved away this summer. I thought living with other people would be awful, but living with my new housemates has brought me new friendships in places I hadn’t thought possible. And new friends have been made on my course – friends I never would have picked out of a line-up!

Most importantly, this year has shown brought me the courage to articulate, with absolute truth, my fears about medicine. I am afraid of what medicine has been trying to turn me in to, but I feel ready, after a year, to fight back. I still don’t think I’m totally set in life, and I will continue to blog about this for a while yet, I can tell you now.

My very first post, dated January 17th 2006, makes me sad. It is such a miserable dejected post, and written on such a shit day. My new consultant, in the second week of my 12 week placement, had almost made me cry. He was a git, and this is confirmed by a friend of mine currently in 3rd year and attached to his firm this year. She’s 2 weeks into her placement and hates and fears him in equal measures. The problem was not mine, it was his.

Looking back on that post now, with the enormous benefit of hindsight, I was crap during that first teaching session. But I didn’t deserve the treatment dished out to me. And I now know that I have been enough this year. I have made it, exams passed, projects handed in.

But more importantly, I have made it in one piece. I’m still me. I might feel as medicine is crushing me sometimes, but right now I am enough.

PS This is confirmed by an example of me keeping my cool this week: after ward round on Monday, I was collared by an A&E SHO, who imperiously told me to ‘take bloods. You have done it before right?’ I, angered by her attitude, said yes of course I had. Off I trotted (fellow med student in tow) and found a confused little old lady. With non-existent veins. Eventually I managed to locate one, but it wasn’t good. I asked my fellow med student her opinion, and she said ‘I wouldn’t, but you can try’. And I thought, well, I will. Because in 18 months it could be me in the middle of the night needing to get blood from a vein like this. I need to have at least tried before. My first attempt was unsuccessful, but the second? Superb. Sorted. I did it. I was enough.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

This is the real deal

My new glittery red Mary Janes arrived by post today... and I think it's love.



Thanks Schuh!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

It's all coming back

I had a good day today, despite getting SEVEN BUSES in one day all over the Black Country. That's not exactly my idea of fun, but I made through...

I also kind of had a revelation about the whole 'I don't want to be a doctor' thing. I still am unsure, but have started mentioning this to people (read: other medics) and its commoner than I thought. Anyway, today I attended a suturing skills session, and it was so much fun. And, dare I say, I was quite good. And suddenly I started thinking about the exciting possibilities of studying medicine. I could still be a surgeon, and I was getting excited about it. About doing plastics (in the cosmetic sense obv! hehe) and orthopaedics (my first love as a child doing the 'Body' topic at school. Aged 10 I labelled a school worksheet skeleton picture using my mum's anatomy atlases and then drew out the bones of the hands and feet because there wasn't room to label all the individual carpals and tarsals on the school one. My teacher was totally flummoxed but gave me a merit for it!). And then a patient came in who reminded meof my interest in rheumatology. There are now all these thoughts buzzing round my head, and I am interested in medicine again. I'm still not sure I want tobe a doctor, but my interest and curiosity and passion for medicine is stirring again. And I am tentatively thrilled. Long may it continue!

Just read this back before posting, and wondered if having the courage to say 'I'm not sure I want to be a doctor anymore' has given me back my enjoyment. Maybe because I've released the pressure of feeling stuck on the everlasting treadmill, I'm able to look up from the tiny part of medicine around me (namely exams and studying) and see again the things that brought me here in the first place.


It's National Delurking Week (8 - 12 January). So anyone who's out there and doesn't comment,please say hi. I'm not really thinking there is anyone, because I think this is the kind of blog where the people who do read it comment, but just in case!

Monday, January 08, 2007

I’m sitting in the library of my current placement (a huge shiny new airport terminal of a building, which isn’t very warm this morning), supposedly learning something about urology, but I actually I just don’t wanna!

It’s raining again. But I feel ok today. Life is going along. There’s a lot to be stressed about, some things that don’t feel good, but there’s also so much to be thankful for. And today I can see it.

(Bout time too!)

Update (pm):

My new year’s resolutions rolled out today:

1. Improve my fitness, before I end up a fat old lady with metabolic syndrome

2. Make my own lunch, to save me £££ every week

3. Spend 10 minutes every day sketching, to build up the old creative muscles

And here is the result of today’s 10 minutes:

Ok, so it was more like 30…

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Why hello

I went to my first ever football match today. I went because, well, I felt it would be an experience. After all, football is just about our national sport (although I associate ‘Englishness’ more with cricket in summer and rugby in winter), and I seem to be the only one with no great love for the game. So when asked to attend Wolverhampton – Oldham today at Wolverhampton’s ground, I said a tentative yes. Give it a go, I thought. If you hate it, its one afternoon of your life, and at least you'll know for sure.

As it turns out, I really quite enjoyed myself. Not sure it beats an afternoon’s shopping at the Bull Ring, but much better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Much better.

My favourite part was probably when the Wolves players came onto the pitch. Jeff Beck’s classic ‘Hi Ho Silver Lining’ was blasted out, and when it reached the chorus all the fans belted out ‘Hi Ho WOLVER’AMPTON!’ and I nearly died laughing.

This evening, my mum dropped in on her way home from Stafford, where she had been installing my brother for the term – including cleaning the bathroom and the fridge (the thought makes me shudder). Then me and the housemates went on mass to the cinema, to see Miss Potter. My review? Very sweet and a little silly, but in a very quaint English sort of way.

So all in all a thoroughly good day.

PS Feeling absolutely delightful now, thanks guys!

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Still feeling like crap. So much so that I didn’t go into hospital today. And now I am going to bed (look, only 10.30pm! This really is an early night!)

And have a read of this – interesting, good story, who knows what it means?

(Anyone with any spare good thoughts/feelings/prayers, please send them Felicity’s way – she’s suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome. And she’s works as an organist to fund her medical degree. Rubbish.)

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

At first I was afraid, I was petrified...

but I survived! And it was sooo much better than I thought!

I’m on Urology for next fortnight, then Cardio, then Renal. And a very lovely girl in my block is giving me a lift tomorrow, meaning I don’t leave the house until 7.45am! That’s a whole 45 minutes on this morning….

I had a terrible night’s sleep last night, so I am going to bed now (11.30pm is my ‘early night’ hmph) to try and catch some quality zzzz.

(I joined facebook. Big mistake. I’ve only been on it 2 days and the bloody thing is sucking away my life. Argh, just what I need – another reason to play on the internet).

Currently taking: Day and Night Nurse to get me through the tail end of a rough cold (induced and exacerbated by excessive dairy consumption over Christmas – foolish girl that I am).

Monday, January 01, 2007

Oh no, here comes Cardio...

Start of block tomorrow... I'm on CRU which is cardio-renal-urology. I'm really scared. One: I have to get there alone, on public transport: 2 trains and then 2 buses. Ah the joys. Two: I hate cardiology, it ain't too fond of me, and cardiologists can spot me a mile off.

I thought nothing could be worse than psych. I really hope I'm right.

Wish me luck!

PS I'm sorry for yesterday's doom and gloom post. I was feeling sorry for myself, and venting it here always makes me feel soooo much better. I really am quite happy in real life, but getting a little tipsy and spending only half of NYE with the person you wish was yours is not a recipe conducive to perky posts. O, and I am saving my 'round up of the year' post for the birthday post of this blog, which is rapidly approaching!

happy new year

Happy new year everyone! I hope 2007 is fruitful and happy and everything that is good!

Me, I guess I am melancholy again. Seeing in the New Year by myself again is deeply pathetic. I have wonderful friends, and I know just how lucky I am to have them. But however much I love them, and they love me, it is not the right sort of love.

Being alone is so lonely, especially at this particular festive holiday. No other season conjures up such strong images of love and togetherness, and when you have no one to love and be together with, it is utterly rubbish.

I am breaking m heart over a friend. A friend who thinks I am very nice, but only nice. He doesn’t care any further for me. I wish, with all my heart, that there truly was a way to make him love me, but there isn’t.

I am beginning to attempt to face up to a life alone. I have always planned, in every dream for the future, to be married and have children. I begin to see now that this may not be the way my life turns out. And I don’t know what I will do, if I am not a wife and mother.

I am truly a pathetic case.